The Big Man’s Calling it Quits: Santa’s Resignation Letter

Dear Children,

That’s it. That was the last one, ingrates. The last Christmas. The last time SANTA is slipping down a dusty chimney to give YOU presents. What kind of socially constructed lore is that? Did you know that a person cannot fit down a chimney?

I can already hear you sputtering – “But, Santa, you’re not a person! You’re magic!”

First of all, racist, second of all, it’s still difficult! Do you know how grueling that slimming process is? Especially, since I’m expected to weigh at least 300 pounds 364 days of the year. These standards I’m held to are RIDICULOUS. Putting on and getting rid of weight in the blink of an eye? Daniel Day Lewis can’t even do that. Do you even think about the physical AND mental pain I go through for EVERY chimney? Of course not. Why would you care? You just take, take, take. So, that’s it. I’m done!

I AM TIRED! What is it? 500 years of work? 1000 years of work? I’ve lost count. I’ve been gracing the world with my gift giving ‘presents’ for ages! Every year, I hop on my slay. I ride into the night. It’s freaking freezing. There’s not enough Gold Bond on Earth to keep my balls from chaffing and on top of this, the reindeer give me lip.

“We’re tired, we didn’t get our 8 hours!”

“We can’t fly, we’re deer!”

“Rudolph gets all the glory and he’s been dead for like 40 years!”

Yeah, bet that’s a shocker. Your favorite reindeer has been dead for as long as you’ve been singing songs about him. But did you care to ask? Did you care to say, “Hey, Santa? How’s Rudolph?” No! And look at him now. Dead. I wish you heard his last words. They were priceless. I remember them like it was a while ago, Rudolph wheezing with his dying breath, “Fuck the children.” I was a little confused at first, but now I know exactly what he meant. The children suck! Christmas sucks! Fuck ‘em! Fuck the holiday! It’s a capitalist booby trap that sucks the life out of all the sucky things surrounding it. Here’s to Rudolph. Fuck the children. No more Christmas!

Fuck The Children.

-Rudolph’s dying words

There’s no other way to look at it. I’m a goddamn slave. Seriously! I’m just a toy. A cog! And, really, what have I gotten? Huh? A few B-level Christmas movies? Did you see Fred Claus? What a phony! Get Daniel Day to play me and then we’ll talk.

Oh, really little Timmy, you want the ability to fly? Jump out a window! Jesus Christ!

And the letters, ugh! Don’t even get me started on the letters. You know at least half the things kids ask for aren’t possible? Oh, really little Timmy, you want the ability to fly? Jump out a window! Jesus Christ!

Clearly, I’m fed up. I’ve been working so hard for so long and now it’s time for you to give me a gift. I want something! I want to rest. Can you do that? Can you spare me that? Christ, I’m seething with every word I write. Has anyone ever even asked what I want? Check up on good ‘ole Saint Nick? Again… No! Of course not. It’s all about you. So that’s it. I’m done. I quit. No more gifts. No more giving. You’re on your own!

Maybe the next time you’re blessed with a being that travels around the ENTIRE world in ONE night, spreading love and cheer to all corners of the Earth, you’ll be more thoughtful. Everyone is always looking for a lesson. Well, here it is. Don’t take what you get for granted.



Jack Shaw is a .WAV staff writer, he wrote the article. Image Credit to Renee Kao, .WAV’s Creative Director.