I am so happy I found this mask.
I love smiling at people in public. But ever since this global pandemic thing, my gorgeous face has been covered by a bulky mask. So, I went to my friend Chuck – his mom makes strictly Christmas themed masks – and I asked Chuck if he could help me with my problem (other people not seeing my incredible smile).
Chuck winks at me like Dwayne Johnson in anything, and whips out a colorful, Christmas themed mask, with a large piece of plastic covering where the mouth is. This is it! A mask that can show the public my truly gifted smile. Did I mention that my smile is excellent?
Now, I take the mask with me everywhere. It’s like my phone. If someone else tries to touch it, I’ll fucking scream.
I notice I’ve been getting dirty looks, side eye glances and whispers when I pass people. I love it. The attention is killer. This thing allows me to mouth “I love you” to people I do not know all while being COVID safe! It’s genius!
An issue arose. I was at Food 4 Less, which by the way, holy moly! Who knew you could get food for less!? Anyway, I forgot that everyone could see my mouth because I couldn’t see their mouths. I breath real heavy by the way. I’m a fragile being. I eat sweet food and sweat. I have no tolerance for spicy. I should be wearing a mask pandemic or not. THE POINT IS the plastic screen on my mask fogs up. So, of course, I lick my foggy screen to wipe the sweat off. This proves to be difficult and as the screen just gets wetter with every lick. Then I looked up and saw an elderly woman wink at me. I waved and turned the other way. Not smooth. I was embarrassed. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I felt bad for leading her on like that, but the feeling past.
Then something amazing happened. I was waiting in line and, I’m not going to call anyone names here BUT a stinky little douchebag walked by wearing his mask around his chin. There’s a global pandemic going on and he can’t do the least but wear a face covering? If it’s your smile you’re worried about, get this plastic thing! Or a plastic bag. Wrap that tight around your head and suffocate. Wow. Sorry. An emotional fit. Anyway.
This guy was being an asshole, wearing the mask around his chin. I have a few questions: Why wear the mask at all if you’re going to leave it on your chin? That’s a statement. You’re wearing it purposefully wrong to start confrontation. It’s not like it’s more comfortable. I’ve done it. It’s actually worse!
So, I asked him, “Hey, my man!” I don’t know why I was so affable, but regardless, “Why don’t you put on your mask for the rest of us?” The frat dude stopped in his tracks, turns around, and in front of the old woman who thought I was flirting with her, the frat dude takes his hand and thrusts his air penis at me. Like an air stroke. It’s hard to put into words, but if I had to write the sound he made it would an exhaled “mweh!” Then, to top it off, he backs up a few steps and says “Pussy!” with a particularly flemmy throat. I could see his stupid spit particles fly through the air onto the elderly woman.
I didn’t know what to say. He got me. I was stumped. I couldn’t believe someone would answer my question like that. He stared me down as I walked out of Food 4 Less and all I could do was smile at his stupid ugly face through my amazing see-through mask. I am not biased towards this guy, but he’s a fucking asshole. I’m pretty sure he’s why natural selection needs to work harder.
Anyway, get the transparent mask. It is epic.
Jack Shaw is a .WAV editorial writer, he wrote the article. Malorie Morello is a .WAV creative contributor, she created the graphic.